What is the foundational knowledge required for me to learn this?
- Emotional Intelligence
What ACTIONS/HABITS will I partake after reading this book?
- Mantras that I have saved, that I can iteratively repeat to myself to reduce likelihood that I will get mad
What Questions do I have after reading this book?
What Phrase(s) can I add/validate to my mantras?
- The cure to anger is perspective
- Fear is the precursor to anger
- Pain does not make a person unhappy; suffering does, and suffering is a consequence of our choices, not of our circumstances. An individual who controls himself recognizes that he doesn’t control the world, and so he is not anxious. All he has to do is exercise self-control, and God will take care of the rest. “Seek not to control the world, for it is a fleeting thing, ever changing, and beyond thy grasp. Seek instead to control thyself, and thou shalt find true power and inner peace.”
- Suffering is the emotional consequence of ignoring reality and the opportunity for growth. Our tendency to avoid the pain inherent in taking responsibility for our lives is at the root of anger, and is central to nearly every emotional aliment. The more responsible our choices, the greater our self-esteem. Should we resist reality, our struggle will be in vain. If we fail to act responsibly, all pain swells into suffering, and all suffering gives birth to anger.
- In relationships, we may often shoot ourselves in the foot with a core belief: “I am not worthy of you, so you must not be faithful to me”
- We don’t need (keyword here, preferences) someone else’s respect in order to have respect for ourselves.
- No one ever walks away from an argument thinking: “I wish I was angrier, I would have been able to handle myself better”
- Research indicates that self-regulation failures is central to nearly all the personal and social problems that currently plague the modern developed, world.
- Anger is a signal indicting that your self-regulation is about to fail, unless you change now.
- The reason why intellect plays little roll in self-awareness is because making high quality decisions is rarely about reason and logic (that’s already done beforehand) but in the emotion and desire TO EXECUTE ON THAT LOGIC. Everyone knows what to do, few do it.
- Money doesn’t buy happiness, yet the majority of people are in living paycheck-to-paycheck trying to buy their way into happiness. What does logic have to do with it?
- We align the entirety of our lives to accommodate our story. We become what we think about.
- Living a life with meaning not only brings pleasure and bolsters our emotional, spiritual, and physical health, bit it also results in less suffering.
- A person who feels too afraid to make long-term plans and to invest in his life sends a message to his subconscious that he does not have trust. Then, imperceptibly and unintentionally, he seeks to validate his fear narrative and becomes attuned to whatever in his world offers him proof that he is right. Because of his ego-based decision to avoid legitimate pain, and opt out of life, his ego must now prove him right.
- Those who lack self-control have no concept of trust
- Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves
- “What is within my control right now that will help me to value who I am? To remind myself that I am a person of dignity and worthy of self-respect”
- In other words, collect the data to validate the narrative that you are a winner
- Movement is useless without a plan
Introduction
The one word that separates those who can handle the stresses of life and those who cannot:
Perspective.
Part 1: The Real Reason You Are So Angry
Chapter 1: How Perspective Takes Shape
Summary
One Sentence Summary
To make the right choices, we should seek to do what we know is right, in spite of how it makes us feel or how it makes us appear to others. The reward of making the more responsible choice leads to an accurate view of the world and the ability to handle greater truths.
One Paragraph summary
Our decisions can either increase our self-esteem and confidence, and build us up as great characters in this world, or it can degrade our self-esteem, and make our actions and character degrade over time.
To make the right choices, we should seek to do what we know is right, in spite of how it makes us feel or how it makes us appear to others. The reward of making the more responsible choice leads to an accurate view of the world and the ability to handle greater truths.
Notes
In decision theory, three forces are at odds with one another:
- The Soul: Seeks to do what is right
- The Ego: Seeks to be viewed right
- The Body: Wishes to escape from it all
These, lead to three types of decisions you can make:
- Choosing what feels good
- Excess leads to overindulgence
- Choosing what makes you look good
- Vanity can lead to downfall
- Choosing what is actually good
- This is where we gain self-esteem; when we make responsible choices and do what is right; soul-oriented (moral or conscious) choice.
Do Good to Feel Good
Each time we sacrifice what is responsible because we can’t rise above the whims of an impulse, we lose self-respect; if we only act for the approval of others, we become empty inside (as Rollo May would point out).
To the extent that we don’t love ourselves, our willingness to endure short-term pain for long-term gain wanes.
Perspective = Mental Health
Side Note: This is why I hate being in a small town or isolated office. Seeing the contrast of a bigger city simply gives me daily perspective on my problems.
As our behavior becomes increasingly reckless and irresponsible, the ego swells to compensate for feelings of guilt, insecurity, and shame; our perspective narrows, and we see more of the self and less of the world, which makes us even more sensitive and unstable.
To the degree we refuse to accept the truth about ourselves and our lives, and overcome our laziness and fear of pain, the ego engages to “protect” us by shifting blame elsewhere.
This leads to the core belief, “If there is nothing wrong with me, then there must be something wrong with you; or the world is unfair; or people are out to get me.
This eventually leads to paranoia, pessimism, and ultimately unhappiness with oneself.
Emotional instability and anger is fundamentally a lack of clarity, the degree to which the ego infects us.
An ideal sequence of actions would be:
- Responsible (soul-oriented) choice
- self-esteem increases
- ego shrinks
- perspective widens
- undistorted reality
- see and accept truth (despite the pain in knowing)
- positive emotional health
- acting responsibly
Per contra, the opposite sequence leads to downward spirals
- Irresponsible choice (ego and/or body)
- self-esteem decreases
- ego expands
- perspective narrows
- distorted reality
- unable/unwilling to see and accept truth (leads to further unnecessary suffering)
- negative mental health
- acting irresponsibly
Chapter 2: Angry with Ourselves, Angry at the world
Summary
One Sentence Summary
Our ego edits the world to eliminate anything that will hurt or reveal us, either to ourselves or to others; we seek to defend our self-image at all costs, including truth.
One Paragraph Summary
When the ego takes control, we no longer live for ourselves, but for the image the ego has constructed; in exchange, we lose ourselves, our self-identity, inner strength, and our freedom. Since we lose our self-identity and capacity for freedom, we lose the ability to feel and project love; when we don’t love ourselves, we can’t give love, nor can we feel it. The love we do receive is tainted with the ego’s persona. This is where emptiness and anger come in to fill the hollowness of man. A person driven by ego and lacking inner strength will turn outward by seeking to control others and gain their approval to look good, but these people who seek self-esteem from external sources can never truly be content; they are the very epitome of a bottomless pit.
Notes
In an unsuccessful effort to fulfill their needs, all patients have a common characteristic: they deny the reality of the world around them. Whether it’s a partial denial or outright blotting of all reality, the result is still the same.
The ego colors the world so that we remain untarnished; but in attempting to make ourselves feel good, we contaminate that very thing that will MAKE us good.
Cognitive dissonance is the feeling of uncomfortable tension and stress that comes from holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously.
It is the by-product of tension between the soul and the ego–when we choose to either accept reality or reduce dissonance by a number of defense mechanisms.
Common defense mechanisms in the face of cognitive dissonance include:
- avoidance
- denial
- justification
- I personally wonder how often I may use this; how is this different than from collecting new data?
- I think I should know when I am collecting data just to avoid a truth I don’t wish to hear
- At the end of the day, collect the evidence. CBT helps
People twirl the cognitive kaleidoscope until the pieces fall into the pattern they wish to see.
What makes it worse is that the brain will then replay these distorted views by activating circuits involved in pleasure, because feelings of cognitive dissonance can literally make your brain hurt!
The Mask that doesn’t come off
Our ego edits the world to eliminate anything that will hurt or reveal us, either to ourselves or to others; we seek to defend our self-image at all costs, including truth.
Interestingly enough, when the ego takes control, we no longer live for ourselves, but for the image the ego has constructed; in exchange, we lose ourselves, our self-identity, inner strength, and our freedom.
Since we lose our self-identity and capacity for freedom, we lose the ability to feel and project love; when we don’t love ourselves, we can’t give love, nor can we feel it. The love we do receive is tainted with the ego’s persona. This is where emptiness and anger come in to fill the hollowness of man.
I absolutely love the imagery that Lieberman uses:
Imagine pouring water into a cup with no bottom. As the cup is being filled, we feel content, but the moment someone stops filling it (we no longer get one’s undivided attention, respect, or adoration) the cup quickly empties and we are left thirsty. The cup will never be full, and we will never be satisfied, no matter how much we receive.
“A lacking on the inside can never be satisfied with something from the outside” –King Soloman
People who seek self-esteem from external sources can never truly be content; they are the very epitome of a bottomless pit.
When we can’t nourish ourselves through good choices, and thus gain self-respect, we turn to the rest of the world to feed us.
Our ever-shifting self-image becomes a direct reflection of the world around us.
When we lack self-esteem, we push away the very people we so desperately want in our lives because we can’t fathom why anyone would love someone as unlovable as ourselves. Whatever affection or kindness we receive, we hardly embrace it, if we even acknowledge it. We end up rejecting others before they have a chance to reject us.
The less self-control we have, the more desperately we manipulate events and the people around us, because when we cannot control ourselves, we need to feel as if we are in control of someone, something, or anything to feel a sense of power.
Chapter 3: Isolated from Ourselves, Disconnected from Others
Summary
One Sentence Summary
Much of man’s unhappiness comes from his underdeveloped inner strength and his inability to care for others.
One Paragraph Summary
Of course it’s hard. Anyone can be nice, warm, and caring when he’s in a good mood. However, a true indicator of emotional health is a person who can respond to the needs of others, with care and patience, even while in a low emotional state or under physical distress. It is tendency to protect our external image that ends up making us feeling disconnected from others and seeking to take from others rather than being in a position to give unlimitedly.
Notes
Extremely similar to what Rollo May writes in his book, “Man’s search for himself”:
People with low self-esteem have difficulty not only receiving love, but also giving it as well. We can only give what we have, and if we don’t have self-respect and self-love, then what can we give?
Give and Take
Love is limitless; love is not selfish
A parent loves each child unlimitedly; a person who “loves” materialistic things does not actually care for them, rather he cares for himself and the materials make him happy. He is not giving to his art; his art gives to him, and so he takes.
Likewise: anger is easily triggered when we focus on our own pain and how difficult life is for us.
Michel’s razor: everyone experiences pain, and most people believe their pain is greater than everyone else’s
Lust versus Love
Lust is the opposite of love. Lust is taking from someone in order to feel complete ourselves.
Love is focused on giving. Willingly, eagerly, and with anticipation of nothing in return.
When a person suffers from low self-esteem, he takes what he needs in an attempt to make himself feel whole. This person cannot really love, he can only control and take.
The more self-esteem we have, the more complete we are as individuals
Just like the water cup example, when we only take to fill a constant void, we are left empty, and are forced to continue taking in a futile request to be fulfilled, which only reinforces our dependency and exhausts us emotionally and physically.
A person with low self-esteem will have difficulty accepting and favors and expressing gratitude. If the low self-esteem is severe, the person may develop hostile feelings towards the very people who try to help, because this person interprets the giver’s actions as bringing greater awareness to his insecurities and shortcomings.
Though this paradigm, we learn how to tell whether someone has high or low self-esteem; it is reflected in how he treats himself and others.
A person who lacks self-esteem may indulge in things to satisfy only his own desires, and he will not treat others particularly well (a product of an arrogant mentality). Paradoxically, this same person may cater to others because he craves their approval and respect, but he does not take care of his own needs (a product of the doormat mentality).
Only someone with high self-esteem can give responsibly, love and respect, to both himself and others.
Empathy vs Sympathy
Sympathy means we feel pity for a person’s situation, but we are declined to exert ourselves to alleviate his plight; he is consumed with his own pain and is motivated to reduce his own suffering, rather than help the person who is in pain. Without genuine humility, he will not (nor does he have the capacity to) burden himself unless he receives a larger payout of acceptance or approval. His taking is disguised as giving, his fear is disguised as love.
Empathy, by comparison, is the capacity to share another’s emotions and feel his pain, rather than merely feel sorry for him. The empathetic person feels grateful for knowing about others’ troubles because he genuinely wants to alleviate their suffering. Moral development, rather than moral thinking, is what moves a person to altruistic behavior.
The ease with which we rise above our own problems and shift attention to the welfare of another is a reliable marker of emotional health.
Of course it’s hard. Anyone can be nice, warm, and caring when he’s in a good mood. However, a true indicator of emotional health is a person who can respond to the needs of others, with care and patience, even while in a low emotional state or under physical distress.
A person who is not self-centered feels humility and a connection to others. The wall of “I am me and he is he” is broken down, and where there is no ego, there is a connection and bond. Fundamentally, anger is a disconnection, to avoid or inflict pain.
Smoke and Mirrors
Confidence is how effective we feel within a specific area or situation.
Self-esteem is defined as how much we recognize our inherent worth and feel deserving of happiness and good fortune. Self-esteem is shaped by the quality of our choices rather than the assets at our disposal.
When a person suffers from very low self-esteem, it doesn’t matter how accomplished he appears, he depends on everyone and everything to boost his faltering self-image. A person’s inflated sense of self does not derive from self-esteem, but from self-loathing.
No matter how much a person appears to be happy with himself, if he is egocentric, that person suffers with feelings of inferiority. This statement is not a conjecture, but a law of human nature; it is physiological math.
Chapter 4: Step Right Up and Choose your Reality
Summary
One Sentence Summary
The ego is the part of us that desires to misinterpret events in negative light from fear; the soul is the part of us that desires accurate, complete, wholistic understanding of events and their proper place, and to respond with unlimited love.
One Paragraph Summary
The ego is the part of us that desires to misinterpret events in negative light from fear; the soul is the part of us that desires accurate, complete, wholistic understanding of events and their proper place, and to respond with unlimited love. The more we interpret events through the soul, the more our self-esteem grows; the more our self-esteem grows, the greater our capacity to both receive and give love and respect. Events don’t mean anything until we choose which lense we wish to interpret the event. A highly successful person does not have time to disrespect you. As the end of the day, we choose the stories we tell ourselves.
Notes
Each circumstance we encounter is like a blank book until we write the script with our thoughts.
When someone acts rudely towards us, it doesn’t mean anything until we give it meaning.
Hanlon’s razor: never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by ignorance
We don’t need (keyword here, preferences) someone else’s respect in order to have respect for ourselves.
whatever the circumstance or situation, we’re really only concerned with one question: “what does this mean?”
That’s what anger comes down to; it’s not only that you take it personally, but it’s the belief that this person treated me this way because there’s something wrong with me
As mentioned in chapter 2, if you don’t love and respect yourself, then you can’t imagine why anyone else would have positive feelings toward you; you connect the dots of someone else’s behavior to validate that inaccurate belief.
Here’s the one liner: a highly successful person does not have time to disrespect you.
How much pain must this person be in to treat someone as wonderful as me so poorly?
How someone behaves towards you is a reflection of his own feelings of self-worth and has nothing to do with your intrinsic worth–unless you let your ego decide to make it about you.
It’s not me, It’s you
As long as we are alert to the pain of the other people, the entire interaction is automatically reframed and we will not feel pained because we will not be in pain. But the moment we become self-focused we will draw the inevitable conclusion that his treatment is because we are less–rather than he feels less.
It’s not the situation that determines how you feel but the meaning that we attach to it (CBT)
And that meaning is always based on one thing: how we feel about ourselves
Yes. It’s a choice to feel hurt.
That’s why being data driven is critical. The sooner you gather the facts about the situation, the sooner you can realize just how bad this guy is feeling.
It’s not about you, unless you make it about you.
Truth Bomb: He may very well see you as less, but that doesn’t make you less–but if you feel less (from your own interpretation of the events) then it does make you angry
The Story We Tell Ourselves (or, in my words, the narratives we tell ourselves)
Literally, this is just a review of CBT–that’s more of a statement to illustrate just how useful CBT really is.
In relationships, we may often shoot ourselves in the foot with a core belief: “I am not worthy of you, so you must not be faithful to me”
Anger: The Fine Print
Fear of the unknown and uncertainty is the root of much anxiety.
The Shame Game
Human beings experience two primary emotions: love (which is soul-based) and fear (which is ego-based). All positive emotions stem from love, and all negative ones stem from fear
The pain of shame is to alert us of whenever we have fallen below our potential. In accepting responsibility, we not only cancel the emotional debt, but we receive the benefit of enhanced self-esteem, and with it, the capacity to love and be loved (as well as so many new levels of consciousness like trust, hope, and wellbeing).
Therein lies the origin of anger: as the ego compensates for feelings of unresolved shame, we experience a counterfeit shame: I am less if you think I am less.
Feeling rejected in any way (embarrassed, mocked, criticized, ghosted, etc.) is not only painful, but primarily FEARFUL because THE EGO INTERPRETS the event as genuine shame.
The egocentric psyche translates any rejection to mean that “I am inadequate. I will not be safe and accepted because I am unworthy of love and undeserving of good”.
This is why YOU GET TO BE your biggest cheer leader, way before anyone enters your life. YOU GET TO BE the ultimate source of unlimited enthusiasm, motivation, and activation.
Part 2: The Cost of Living, The Price of Escaping
Chapter 5: Why Smart People do Dumb Things
Summary
One Sentence Summary
Anger both distorts our reality and robs us IQ points. Wisdom is a function of both intellectual and emotional clarity.
One Paragraph Summary
Just like what Rollo May talks about, intelligence has little relation to self-awareness or emotional heath. A smart person could very well have a poor diet and a poor outlook on life. Wisdom, however, opens our eyes to see what we wish would not exist, and to accept it with grace and respond with clarity and confidence. Anger is a signal indicting that your self-regulation is about to fail, unless you change now. You will never leave an argument thinking: “I wish I was angrier, I would have been able to handle myself better”
Notes
Vulcans need not apply
We need emotions because emotions energize and motivate us to take action.
Focusing on our passion for what is right, rather than on our disdain for what is wrong, will help us to see more clearly and to act more responsibly because we are not blinded by our outrage. This is not a pacifist approach but one that allows for an optimum response.
Rather than reacting, choose to respond through principles. We may respond with enthusiasm, to uplift others, or we may respond logically, to plan an event. In both cases, our responses are aligned with our principles.
No one ever walks away from an argument thinking: “I wish I was angrier, I would have been able to handle myself better”
Anger both distorts our reality and robs us IQ points. Wisdom is a function of both intellectual and emotional clarity.
Just like what Rollo May talks about, intelligence has little relation to self-awareness or emotional heath. A smart person could very well have a poor diet and a poor outlook on life. Wisdom, however, opens our eyes to see what we wish would not exist, and to accept it with grace and respond with clarity and confidence.
Self-Esteem and Delaying Gratification
Self-esteem stimulates the desire to invest in ourselves an provides the energy for self-discipline. This means that when our self-esteem is low, our interest and attention shift from long-term to immediate gratification (like alcohol, if it feels good, do it regardless of the consequences). We become once more like children with uncontrollable tantrums.
Angry people behave poorly
Research indicates that self-regulation failures is central to nearly all the personal and social problems that currently plague the modern developed, world.
Anger is a signal indicting that your self-regulation is about to fail, unless you change now.
Chapter 6: A Fight to the Death
Summary
One Sentence Summary
We become what we think about.
One Paragraph Summary
The reason why intellect plays little roll in self-awareness is because making high quality decisions is rarely about reason and logic (that’s already done beforehand) but in the emotion and desire TO EXECUTE ON THAT LOGIC. Everyone knows what to do, few do it.
Humility is the key to seeking higher levels of truth, but most people’s loss aversion and egos cannot handle being wrong, especially when being wrong will cost them much external loss. That’s why some smart people may have the misguided core belief that being right becomes more of an emotional priority than doing what is right, but this only feeds the narrative of self-imposed victim hood, where we perpetuate our own misery. The world is as we predict it to be.
Notes
The reason why intellect plays little roll in self-awareness is because making high quality decisions is rarely about reason and logic (that’s already done beforehand) but in the emotion and desire TO EXECUTE ON THAT LOGIC. Everyone knows what to do, few do it.
Money doesn’t buy happiness, yet the majority of people are in living paycheck-to-paycheck trying to buy their way into happiness. What does logic have to do with it?
Growth is internalized when we tell ourselves, “I was wrong, and now I will do what is right”
Those whose egos regin lack self-esteem and can’t afford to question their own judgement, worth, or intelligence.
Two wrongs don’t make a right
Humility is the key to seeking higher levels of truth, but most people’s loss aversion and egos cannot handle being wrong, especially when being wrong will cost them much external loss.
Why do rational people sometimes make irrational decisions? Our commitment to stubborn persistence tends to become stronger once we’ve invested time and energy into an endeavor–classic grit vs quit and sunk-cost fallacy.
Right to the End
Some smart people may have the misguided core belief that being right becomes more of an emotional priority than doing what is right, but this only feeds the narrative of self-imposed victim hood, where we perpetuate our own misery.
We align the entirety of our lives to accommodate our story. We become what we think about.
We can illustrate this in 5 simple sentences:
- Jane grew up thinking she was “bad” and undeserving of kindness and respect.
- Predictably, Jane marries Bob who “knew” he was unlovable and felt consumed by self-hatred.
- Bob protected himself by acting cruelly towards others before they could act cruelly to him first.
- Bob wasn’t surprised by Jane’s increasing withdraw and remoteness from him, because he “knew” no one could ever love him.
- They endured 20 years of torture together, proving how right they were about themselves and life
The world is as we predict it to be.
We feel secure because our inaccurate beliefs have been validated with false data. We will be right, even if it kills us.
Chapter 7: Reality Isn’t Going Anywhere
Summary
One Sentence Summary
The price of an adventure of your lifetime is comfort.
One Paragraph Summary
Meaning is not found in chasing comfort; it is found in actively struggling in a chosen burden of your choice.
Notes
All roads out of reality lead to the Land of Suffering
Avoidance is not coping. It’s crashing in slow motion. Escapism is cheap in our modern world but costs us our life at the end of the day.
The uncomfortable noise of self-reflection muted, and the volume of illusion turned up.
We reward ourselves for losing focus and for the constant seek of external stimuli. These are what contribute to our impaired emotional processing, lack of concentration, and high anxiety (remember if consumption > creation, then we get anxiety).
Meaning = Pleasure
Let’s be clear about ONE thing: Comfort is not the path to happiness.
If we seek to avoid the pain, though, we are in essence avoiding life, rather than minimizing pain and maximizing pleasure, we will maximize suffering and live exceedingly unfulfilled lives.
The more engaged we are in life and in pursuit of meaningful goals, the greater our pleasure and ultimate sense of satisfaction.
Chasing comfort = pain
What’s worse than being forced to work is being forced NOT to work; people without work are more likely to suffer psychological trouble and stress-related illnesses.
A person can literally be bored to death.
A person who doesn’t grow and move forward in life will force a rift between the body and the soul–this is what death feels like.
Our soul is designed to revolt against negligence and indifference, and the system will faithfully keep dishing out new symptoms (emotional and physical) to remind us that we exist in this world for a reason.
No Escape from Reality
Similar to what Rollo May writes about, choosing to live life means choosing to voluntarily pick up responsibility.
To be or not to be. That is the questions.
Hamlet describes so eloquently the choice between enduring the trials of life, or to end it with spiritual suicide through escapism.
Paradoxically, the more neurotic a person is, the more he believes in his ability to see, know, and predict the world around him. BUT IN TRUTH, he is less able to recognize cause-and-effect relationships. Superstition is nothing but a diluted form of paranoia; the desire to make connections where none exist.
Another common method of escapism is creating obstacles in one’s life. We might unconsciously create obstacles to give ourselves the illusion of forward momentum. We manufacture a challenge in a controlled environment that, once overcome, gives us a sense of excitement and accomplishment. It is a feasible attempt to feel the rush of life without making the effort of living. In some instances, we devise these challenges because, unconsciously, we want to inconvenience ourselves; feelings of guilt and shame causes us to inflict harm on ourselves–the very epitome of self-sabotage
Note: I may not fully agree with Lieberman’s view here; sometimes I simply enjoy collecting data to validate the claim that I can work well under chaos.
The Adrenaline Junkie Connection
Lieberman claims that people risk death to feel a jolt so that they can feel alive. Perhaps, but let’s keep in mind that statement that Jordan Peterson once said, “You must be willing to lose your life to find it”.
“If you plan on being anything less than what you are capable of being, you will probably be unhappy and angry all of the days of your life” – Maslow
Note: Again, like Lieberman’s last statement, I don’t fully agree with this one. I think some people are born with specific brain wirings that, when looked at from a macro level, help push humanity forward.
Chapter 8: The Meaning of Pleasure, the Pleasure of Meaning
Summary
One Sentence Summary
Pain is NOT the same thing as suffering. Suffering is the emotional consequence of our choices. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.
One Paragraph Summary
Pain is NOT the same thing as suffering. Suffering is the emotional consequence of our choices. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.
Notes
Living a life with meaning not only brings pleasure and bolsters our emotional, spiritual, and physical health, bit it also results in less suffering.
Pain is NOT the same thing as suffering. Suffering is the emotional consequence of our choices. Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.
Everything begins to make sense when we have perspective.
Doing what’s good for the soul and our self-esteem, by making responsible choices that compound, loops us into the source of unlimited energy that resides in each of us.
What doesn’t break us
Every great person (Martin Luther King, Moses, King Solomon, Alex Hormozi, Ray Dallio, Imad, etc), endured a life of great pain and hardship–BUT NOT SUFFERING. Despite the exterior pain, their lives became the paradigm of meaning and fulfillment.
Despite the life of trials and tribulations of King David, his psalms exude joy and gratitude, because when one lives a meaningful life, pain and pleasure coexist.
Pain does not make a person unhappy; suffering does, and suffering is a consequence of our choices, not of our circumstances.
I’ve got the whole world in my hands
Humility does not spring from a sense of inferiority but bubbles forth from the fountain of reality.
Part 3: Making Sense of Pain and Suffering
Chapter 9: Here comes the Pain
Summary
One Sentence Summary
Pain is a useful indicator; the same way it prompts us to move our hand from a hot stove, it prompts us to move our life in a higher direction.
One Paragraph Summary
Pain is a useful indicator; the same way it prompts us to move our hand from a hot stove, it prompts us to move our life in a higher direction.
Notes
The Real You
Suffering is the emotional consequence of ignoring reality and the opportunity for growth. Our tendency to avoid the pain inherent in taking responsibility for our lives is at the root of anger, and is central to nearly every emotional aliment. The more responsible our choices, the greater our self-esteem. Should we resist reality, our struggle will be in vain. If we fail to act responsibly, all pain swells into suffering, and all suffering gives birth to anger.
Why is this my challenge, anyway?
Or in other words: why bother? This is explored in the next chapter.
Chapter 10: Why Good Things Happen to Bad People
Summary
One Sentence Summary
Your fate loads the gun, but your choices pull the trigger.
One Paragraph Summary
Your fate loads the gun, but your choices pull the trigger.
Notes
Man should seek a positive outlet for his inborn drives.
The challenges we face are sometimes universal (e.g. overcoming excess consumption or anger) and at times unique to us, such as dealing with a specific physical limitation or emotional sensitivity.
A victory in Appearances Only
A person who lives irresponsibly moves away from his purpose and potential and will de facto suffer a range of mental health issues that will hinder his enjoyment for what he has achieved or received.
A person living without responsibility may find success in specific areas of life, but will inevitably lack meaning and purpose.
A depressed person blessed with a long life becomes a self-imposed torture; a rich man with uncontrollable indulgences will be hallow.
Life’s challenges are not equally distributed to everyone, but the power of choice is the great equalizer.
Chapter 11: Staying the Same in an Insane World
Summary
One Sentence Summary
An individual who controls himself recognizes that he doesn’t control the world, and so he is not anxious; all he has to do is exercise self-control, and God will take care of the rest.
One Paragraph Summary
An individual who controls himself recognizes that he doesn’t control the world, and so he is not anxious; all he has to do is exercise self-control, and God will take care of the rest.
Notes
Enter God
If we know that perspective is the solution to anger, then how do we know what is relevant?
The answer is trust.
We don’t have to see something with out own eyes in order to accept that the outcome is for our ultimate benefit.
A person who feels too afraid to make long-term plans and to invest in his life sends a message to his subconscious that he does not have trust. Then, imperceptibly and unintentionally, he seeks to validate his fear narrative and becomes attuned to whatever in his world offers him proof that he is right. Because of his ego-based decision to avoid legitimate pain, and opt out of life, his ego must now prove him right.
In short, actions convert faith into trust.
We can’t establish trust in God if we don’t live our lives in a way that demonstrates our belief in God.
Self-Control = Peace of Mind
When we engage in conduct that we know to be wrong, the voice of our soul cries in shame.
Just as a person braces himself physically in anticipation of being hit, so too, do we brace ourselves emotionally when we feel vulnerable.
Pain does not make a person unhappy; suffering does, and suffering is a consequence of our choices, not of our circumstances. An individual who controls himself recognizes that he doesn’t control the world, and so he is not anxious. All he has to do is exercise self-control, and God will take care of the rest. “Seek not to control the world, for it is a fleeting thing, ever changing, and beyond thy grasp. Seek instead to control thyself, and thou shalt find true power and inner peace.”
Those who lack self-control have no concept of trust
How can such a person trust God when, in his world narrative and the data he as collected, “trust” is a theoretical concept.
Trust = Acceptance = Anger Free
Trust the process.
Part 4: Make Peace with The Past, For Good
Chapter 12: Planes of Acceptance
Summary
One Sentence Summary
To seek truth is to risk discovering something that you don’t want to hear, but you know is good
One Paragraph Summary
To seek truth is to risk discovering something that you don’t want to hear, but you know is good
Notes
Self-Acceptance
Similar to what Rollo May writes. To seek truth is to risk discovering something that you don’t want to hear, but you know is good.
Acceptance is not Approval
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves
Sealing the Energy Leak
Perspective is important.
Chapter 13: Trauma, Tragedy, and Triggers
Summary
The quality of our lives in directly proportional to the amount of responsibility we willingly accept for what we can control.
Notes
The Power of Decision
Some people subconsciously use the narrative “the world hurts me in ways that I cannot predict or control, but my harming myself I gain control over my own pain”
Side note: I mean if we’re speaking on self-imposed discipline, I don’t see what’s wrong with the above statement.
The quality of our lives in directly proportional to the amount of responsibility we willingly accept for what we can control.
Living responsibly means that you maximize control.
Your inner narratives move from “how did I get here?” and “I can’t help myself” to
“What is within my control right now that will help me to value who I am? To remind myself that I am a person of dignity and worthy of self-respect”
Rethreading the Gift of Acceptance
Life moves on.
Chapter 14: It’s Not Too Late to Have a Happy Childhood
Summary
Here’s the main takeaway from this: your parents do their best, and you’re gifted with the opportunity to live your life as you please.
I personally had an amazing childhood; it is the world that has made me realize how corrupt it is.
Notes
Double Whammy
Fear is the precursor to anger
Let’s be clear about one thing (this is my own opinion):
You are 100% responsible for shaping your life; the internet and books give you the tools to do so. You will die at any time, and you will be forgotten in 3 generations; do what you want with your life.
The insecure parent may fall trap to any one of these habits:
- Helicopter parenting
- Avoids discipline for fear of losing child’s love
- Desires the child to be forever dependent on the parent, so that child can fill the emotional hollowness and sense of purpose
By honoring our parents (or at least, not hating them and acknowledging that they figured out life the same way we do), we cultivate an appreciation for, and an understanding of, how much our parents love us in spite of their limitations
Reframing the past
Perspective
A return on our investment
When we forgive someone who has hurt us, all of our relationships seem to benefit. Until we acknowledge the offender, they remain part of us. The more we ruminate and re-energize the wrongs, the stronger the neural pathways become. Biofeedback shows an instant increase in stress when a person has anger-producing thoughts or recalls memories of insult of resentment.
Giving and Loving
Yup.
Chapter 15: My Apologies, Please
Summary
There is freedom in forgiveness
Notes
Forgiveness Begins at Home
Guilt gives rise to self-destructive tendencies and makes us desire to suffer or be punished; we must be able to forgive ourselves for the damage we’ve done to others and to ourselves.
When we show warmth and compassion to ourselves, we elicit neuroaffective responses similar to those stimulated by encouraging, supportive others; this helps us feel loved and supported, making us aware that we deserve better, and it instills in us the will to invest in our long-term care and benefit.
The more you forgive yourself, the more you can forgive others.
- Guilt = “I have hurt; I have done wrong”
- Shame = “I am bad; I am less because of what I did”
Setting things straight
Here’s the 6-step protocol to bring peace to yourself and your relationships
- Humility and Respect
- Be accountable
- Sincerely Apologize
- Be willing to accept, and even offer, consequences
- Make things right
- A painless Game Plan
Not Successful, No Problem
If the other party does not accept your apology, that’s okay, life continues.
Part 5: How to Love Being Alive
Chapter 16: A Date with Destiny
Summary
A clearly defined purpose is vital for life.
Notes
The approaching threat of death as a positive motivator has zero traction in the lives of those who have no life
For many depressed people, they welcome death as their permanent escape. When death is not a deterrent, it doesn’t stop their self-destructive behavior and only encourages their insolence in regard to life.
The Key to Self-Mastery
A well-lived life gives meaning to death, and in exchange, death gives renewed meaning to life.
Therefore, the constructive power of contemplating death is in force only when we appreciate life itself,
Coupons have an expiration date to force us to act, but if we’re not interested in the products, then the coupons are just as useless to us before the date as they are after the date.
Having purpose in our lives gives us a broader perspective on life and on death.
According to terror management theory, we handel the fear of death in one of two ways:
- Mortality salience hypothesis promotes self regulation in defense of our values and beliefs
- Anxiety buffer hypothesis: Land of escapism where we pacify our fears by further indulging
The Evidence
Nothing other than a clearly defined purpose (an ordinary man with a definite plan) with meaningful growth will insulate us from the quakes of insanity that would otherwise shake our emotional foundation and force us to flee from reality
Chapter 17: Becoming Extraordinary
Summary
Know your “why”.
Notes
King Solomon tells us in Ecclesiastes that all suffering comes from trying to give permanence to the temporary.
We are shaped by what we can GIVE, rather than what we can take.
Who are you living for?
Ask yourself these questions:
- What do I want out of life?
- What would I do if I could not fail?
- What would I do if I did not have my current problems?
- What would I do if no one would ever find out/if everyone did find out?
- What would I do if I had all the money in the world?
Are we all on the same page?
Living a life that contradicts our core values and soul-inspired passions drains us because it creates division within us.
We cannot simultaneously value X as all important, then spend our time, energy, and resources on goal Y, without creating an internal tug of war.
This is similar to what Earl Nightgale mentions: we need our goals to be compatible.
It is in this gap between where we are and where we want to be that we find instability and the breeding ground for anger.
Chapter 18: Escaping the Trap of Procrastination
Summary
Be authentic, choose “done” over “perfect”, then iterate.
Notes
Movement is useless without a plan
The Antidote: An Authentic Self
Be authentic, choose “done” over “perfect”, then iterate.
Part 6: Reclaiming Ourselves and Redefining our Boundaries
Chapter 19: Redrawing the Lines with Boundary Breachers
Summary
Boundaries are important